Is This Love or Just Attachment?
Is it love or attachment?
Okay, let’s not pretend this is an easy question.
It’s one of those things that seems obvious when you're not the one in it. But when it’s your heart on the line, everything gets foggy. Like trying to read a map through a steamed bathroom mirror.
A lot of people end up feeling trapped. Stuck in something that feels huge and all-consuming, but underneath there’s this uneasy twist in your stomach. Something doesn’t quite feel right. But leaving feels impossible. You keep asking yourself, "Is this love? Or am I just scared to be alone?"
Love Is Steady. Attachment Feels Like Anxiety.
Real love lets you rest. Not in a lazy way, but in that deep sigh kind of way. You don’t feel like you’re constantly chasing or proving something. You don’t panic every time there’s silence. You don’t have to solve every single text like it’s written in puzzling code. Attachment, though, is a different beast. It doesn’t show up as quiet or steady. It’s noisy. It needs reassurance, and round and round it goes. It can’t handle distance, even the healthy kind. It’ll make you twist yourself into weird shapes just to hold on, even when holding on hurts.
Sometimes people beat themselves up for not being able to walk away. But listen, if your nervous system thinks love equals survival, then of course it’s going to hang on tight. You’re not being dramatic. You’re responding the way you were wired to, probably a long time ago. It could be stuff from your childhood. Maybe people weren’t reliable, or affection came with strings attached. So now, your body reacts to connection like it’s life or death. That does not make you broken. It makes you a human with a past.
You're not broken, you're human, and that's ok.
So what can you ask yourself?
Try these, gently, no judgment questions:
When I’m with them, do I feel safe or just less afraid?
Do I actually like who they are, or do I just need them to like me?
If they pulled away tomorrow, would I be okay, or would I unravel?
Am I staying because this is love, or because leaving terrifies me?
Sometimes, even asking the question stings. That’s normal. But if your gut is already whispering the answer, trust that. Gut instincts don’t need a spreadsheet to be valid.
And if it is attachment?
You’re not a failure. You’re not naive. You’re just someone who wants to be loved and is figuring out the difference between being seen and being needed. Attachment can feel addictive. It floods your brain with highs and crashes and makes you think the chaos means something. But real love doesn’t feel like a rollercoaster. It feels like coming home after a long day. You don’t have to earn it every five minutes. If you’re in the middle of this right now, take a breath. You’re allowed to ask these questions. You’re allowed to want more. And if all of this makes you a little uncomfortable, that’s okay too.
Growth is rarely graceful. But it’s still worth it.