When Saying No Feels Impossible: Gentle Boundary Skills for Everyday Life
If you’ve ever said yes when your entire body was whispering no, you already know how uncomfortable it feels to ignore your own boundaries. Maybe you agreed to host a dinner when you were exhausted. Maybe you took on another project at work because you didn’t want to disappoint the boss or your team. Maybe you smiled through a conversation that left you feeling emotionally drained and less than seen.
Boundaries aren’t walls or ultimatums. They’re the quiet, steady way we honour what’s real for us — and what we need to stay grounded. For many people, learning how to set boundaries isn’t just about communication; it’s about reclaiming emotional space in a world that often rewards self-sacrifice over self-respect.
Why Saying No Feels So Hard
From an early age, many of us are taught that being kind means being agreeable or likable. We’re praised for flexibility, for being easygoing, for keeping the peace. But kindness without boundaries isn’t kindness, especially to yourself.
If saying no triggers guilt, fear, or anxiety, you’re not alone. It’s common to associate boundaries with rejection or conflict. Yet in trauma-informed therapy, we see boundaries as a form of connection: they help us show up more authentically, rather than disappearing behind resentment or burnout.
Learning how to say no gently and firmly is one of the most life-changing skills we can practice in therapy — one that strengthens confidence, reduces stress, and protects emotional energy.
A Compassionate Reframe: Boundaries as Self-Respect
A boundary isn’t a punishment. It’s clarity.
It’s the difference between I don’t want to see you and I love spending time with you, but I need a quiet weekend to rest.
It’s I can’t join that committee this month instead of Sure, I’ll make it work.
It’s I’m not available for that conversation right now instead of staying silent and stewing later.
When boundaries come from a place of respect — for yourself and for others — they stop sounding harsh. They sound honest.
Gentle Boundary Steps You Can Practice
The following is a simple framework used in trauma-informed and somatic therapy that may help you to build boundaries that feel grounded, without being rigid:
Notice your body first.
Before responding to a request, pause. Notice what your body does. Do you tense up? Hold your breath? That reaction often tells you everything you need to know.Name your limit.
Ask yourself: What do I truly have energy for? What feels like too much? This self-check keeps your boundaries anchored in reality, not guilt.Communicate clearly and briefly.
You don’t need to overexplain. One or two calm sentences are enough.Expect discomfort.
Setting new boundaries can feel awkward, especially if you’ve spent years people-pleasing. Discomfort doesn’t mean you’re wrong; it means you’re growing.Repair if needed.
If a boundary lands poorly, you can revisit it. “I realize my tone came out sharper than I meant — my limit still stands, but I care about our connection.”
Everyday Scripts for Real Life
Sometimes the hardest part is finding the right words. Here are a few examples you can adapt to fit your voice and situation:
Work: “I really appreciate you thinking of me for this, but I don’t have capacity to take on more right now.”
Friends: “I want to see you and also need downtime this week. Could we plan for next weekend instead?”
Family: “I know you mean well, but that topic feels heavy for me. Let’s talk about something lighter.”
Social invitations: “Thank you for inviting me! I’m going to pass this time and rest, but please keep me in the loop for future plans.”
Romantic or emotional boundaries: “I care about you, and I need time to process before responding.”
Every one of these statements says no — without rejecting the person, without self-abandonment, and without apology for existing.
Boundaries in a Culture of Busy
Many of my clients describe an often shared experience: the pressure to appear balanced, high-functioning, and endlessly available. The polished calm of BC’s West Coast lifestyle of yoga, wellness, picturesque mountain & ocean views can sometimes hide exhaustion.
Therapy gives you a space to unpack this pressure and learn to rest without guilt. Boundary setting therapy is about more than communication; it’s about returning to yourself.
In my women’s counselling and LGBTQ+ counselling, we explore what it means to feel safe enough to take up space. To say no without apology. To value presence over performance.
When Boundaries Strengthen Connection
It may sound counterintuitive, however clear boundaries often deepen our relationships. When people know where you stand, they know that they can trust your, “Yes.”
Authenticity builds intimacy.
Boundaries are an invitation for others to meet you where you actually are. They make space for connection that feels mutual, not one-sided.
A Note of Compassion
If any of this feels hard, please know that’s okay. Setting boundaries isn’t a single moment skill; it’s a lifelong practice in self-awareness, courage, and trust. Be gentle with yourself and start small. Choose one area of your life where you can practice saying no with kindness. Notice how your body feels afterward. That’s your nervous system learning safety again.
Therapy can help you strengthen this practice over time — not by teaching scripts, but by helping you feel grounded enough to use your authentic voice.
Ready to explore creating healthy boundaries in your own life?
If you find yourself struggling to say no, or if you feel drained by trying to meet everyone’s expectations, you don’t have to do it alone.
Book a short coaching or counselling session with Elizabeth Nardella Counselling to practice real-life boundary conversations and learn trauma-informed tools that help you stay calm, confident, and connected.
Serving women, LGBTQ+ adults, and professionals across British Columbia — including Vancouver, South Surrey, Whistler, and Vancouver Island — through in-person and virtual therapy.